Mom’s Last Birthday

I still can’t believe what I had been through, last month. When i woke up in the morning of July 12th, i didn’t realize that i am about to face one of my biggest fears in my life.

It was early sunday morning when i was getting ready for church, and my mom came to me and said that she was feeling under the weather. She throws up the night before, so i thought that she was just having a regular flu. But i decide to stay with her at home.

As the day goes by, i’ve heard my mom was holding pain in her stomache, so i asked her to take her to the doctor, but she refused. Nothing serious comes through my mind. She said that she just needed some rest, so i leave her to rest and play with my kids in the other room.

I never thought that it will be my last conversation with her. A few hours later (approx. 1-1,5 hours later), i came to her room, just to ask wheter did she turn on the front yard lights or not. I asked her and when i approached to her, i can’t believe the horror that i am facing. She’s not breathing and her body turns cold. I knew she was gone, that second, but still hoping for a miracle, so i leave my mom, to get a doctor near by. I knew it was too late, but i was hoping that this is just a bad dream. “She was fine”, i thought. We were talking in the kitchen, this afternoon. How can she be gone?

It has been a month, but i still feels that this is a bad dream. Everyday i woke up, and realize that this is the reality that i am facing, hoping that i can be awake soon from this bad dream.

The reason is that, i wish that i was there with her, at that time. The time when the Lord took her to heaven. I wish i can comfort her and remind her that she will be in good hands and i will be ok. Just to let you know, that i am her only child. My brother passed away a few years ago. So we were very close.

So, here i am. Facing my reality. Everyday. And, everyday, i feel like, i am erasing her from my life, little by little. From re arranging the house, to clear her stuff away, it feels like i’m erasing my mom from my life. And i feel terrible. Everything in my house reminds me of her, the last laundry that she folds, the last plates or other dishes that she arranges. Cooking spices the last time she uses.

I was even in tears the first time i wash the car (after she passed away), because it reminds me that the last time, i asked her to help me to put the cleaning cloth in the car utility box.

Well anyway, don’t want to bring you down with my story. I just wanted to get it out of my system. I can’t do it on facebook, or instagram, people will give comments like “melancholy drama, etc”.

Here are pictures of my mom. I miss her so much, and the reason i post her photos, is just because i want my kids to remember their grandma. And just keeping digital photos on my desktop, i’m affraid that one day, i will loose the files.

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